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Royal Member of BonBon Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 3215

I've been slowly writing these poems and I just wanted to see what you all think of this one:

The Moon
When Light is spoken many depict the Sun  
Warm Days, Beautiful Sunrise and Sunset  
A Glorious sight to behold.  
But there is another form of light  
One that Shines through the Dark  
The Moon  
It Pale glow has always been feared  
But why is it feared  
The Moon is also a sight to behold  
When the nights are Dark the Moon shines  
When lost and alone the Moon is there  
Shining and Breaking through the Darkness  
Not even the Stars shine so bright  
We see the Stars  
The Stars point the Way  
Can Lead us Home  
But the Moon  
Even on cold winter nights  
The Moon is there  
When there is fear  
The Moon is there  
And when alone in the Dark  
The Moon is There!

This one of 8 poems I've written. So Again what do you guys think?

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 02 Oct 2009 Posts: 6733

you lost me there with your young lingo. lol Just kidding

I think it was very nice.

Royal Member of BonBon Joined: 05 Jan 2009 Posts: 4287

*snap,snap*

Rank: Veteran Joined: 21 Sep 2009 Posts: 728

read the poem with big ass full moon shining through the window *sniff, wipes tear from eye* that was beautiful *looks around* i mean, yeah it was ok

Royal Member of BonBon Joined: 22 Dec 2008 Posts: 2173

((Well, you asked for it AaronThom...

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It's kinda lame. It's the kinda "goth-poetry" you get from the "I'm-so-goth-it-hurts" people that bother the crap outta me. It's just prose. I flippin hate prose. Prose, to me, is just sentances the writer can't figure out how to finish.

As an odd aside, I like rhymed and metered poetry. Ever actually try to write something that has rhyme and meter? It's freaking hard! Seuss was a genious at it.

Back on topic, I hate to say it, but it doesn't seem like you put any work into it at all. Just "oh look, it's the moon, and the moon glows".

The moon has, symbolically, always been a mixed blessing. Everyone takes lovers walks under the moonlight, or sat on the roof staring off into a full moon... but the moon also seems sinster as it comes out at night in the darkness, can "hide" behind clouds, and slowly eats itself as the month goes on. Witches and shapechangers are powered by the moon, as are... "womanly cycles".

In the say way, the sun is also, oddly, a mixed blessing as well. It lights the day, but it is also a harsh, severe master. You can look at the moon in wonderous awe, but so great is the power of the sun that you cannot look at it directly without it burning you... very biblical powers.

Anyway, please keep trying. I hope I wasn't too harsh, but... being goth I have to put up with a lot of bad poetry.))

Royal Member of BonBon Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 3215

Ouch that stung Caroline. LOL joking. Thank you for being honest. I've just started writing these. I wasn't trying to be Goth though. Just stating a point in what I believe the moon represents.

Rank: Veteran Joined: 10 Jun 2009 Posts: 803

Its a nice start. Given time i think you'll do great! And being a fellow goth, I have to agree with Caroline on the crappy goth poetry point, though i don't really think this falls into that category.

Rank: Casual Joined: 11 Nov 2009 Posts: 16

I'm not trying to be nasty but your poem is rather basic. You over use the word moon. Try to use different names; Luna, Seleni or other terms used by other cultures.

Rank: Veteran Joined: 21 Sep 2009 Posts: 728

hehe nothing like a bit of poetry to get the goths to stick their heads over the parapet

Rank: Casual Joined: 11 Nov 2009 Posts: 16

Rank: Veteran Joined: 10 Jun 2009 Posts: 803

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 30 Sep 2009 Posts: 9138

got to say this im not a goth but most of the friends i have are and for the reason they are not intimadated by my height and size and there a good bunch of people in my mind

as for the poem im not really into it but i thinck it could do with some work not to sound mean aaron but thats my view.

Royal Member of BonBon Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 3215

LOL why is everyone think they're being mean when they critique my work. I like the fact you all are being honest and I thank you. This way I know I need some work it.

Rank: Casual Joined: 11 Nov 2009 Posts: 16

Rank: Veteran Joined: 10 Jun 2009 Posts: 803

Rank: Casual Joined: 11 Nov 2009 Posts: 16

I know! just trying to inject some humor, and failing. Rolling Eyes

Rank: Veteran Joined: 10 Jun 2009 Posts: 803

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 02 Oct 2009 Posts: 6733

you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is never to try." – Homer Simpson lol "Just kidding"

Rank: Veteran Joined: 21 Sep 2009 Posts: 728