alleybaggett.net ~ View topic - I need some help? Alley, maybe you might have suggestions?

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

Edit++++

Ok so the orginal post was about 2 hours long typing it (seriouslly)

So I'll get to the point without all the background.

I'm 27, single father of 3 kids that are with me primarliy of the time Sun eve's through Fri eve's. They go to they're mom on the weekend.

Well for the last year of so ever since my accident I've become dependant of pain pills. I left my wife in late 2004 because I caught her with someone else(not in the act but someone running out the window and the back yard over the fence none the less) so I kicked her out and left her. Ever since then things kinda have gone on a downward spiral for me, I left the job that I was at for the longest then been jumping from job to job the last couple of years and now finally have an excellant job with pay to schedule to benefits it's excellant. However I have this new demon that I realize now is a big problem and causing more problems in my life.

I knew about them, I really first got them and kinda would take them "recreational" after my visectamy when i had some left over. Then that was it till last year in like Jan I got some more from a friend cause I was also coaching wrestling (kinda or still might this year still unsure though about this year because of the job that I have now) so would be in pain after practice but I could get like 10 and that would last me a month or so as I would only take when I needed. In Aug of last year I was in another car accident that re-aggervated my back and have been on a constant dose I guess since then that greatly increased in Nov when I started to get 120 Hydrocodone's from the dr for the month. So started to take every day even when i wasn't in bad pain like I would used to.

I was able to get off one time in late May but only for a week but a good friend that was one of my HS teachers kinda helped me and knew I was trying however the week later I fell off the room when working on the cooler and really hurt my back and ended having to go to the ER because I couldnt control the pain and felt a tingaling in my foot. Then I found out I had 3 compound fractures so of course what did they give me to help and sure enough was back on again but this time I had two dr's (they didn't know of each other) and was getting double the dose so now 240 a month (which I was at 240 a month by one dr in like Jan-March then got dropped back to 120 but to a higher dose 10/325mgs) .

My friend knew I was taking for a few days but that's all I've told him, he still thinks I've been off and will talk highly of me to others sometimes on how I was able to get off by myself (even though it didn't last long but he doesnt know that) , so now I feel so bad or afraid to tell him that I've got back on and worse then before. I'm afraid he'll be dissapointed or something so wanting so badly just to be a normal person again without having to take these wether to just feel good or for pain or to just get through the day.

So now I'm back to 240 a month from 2 different dr's, one is Hydro/APAP 7.5/500mg, the other Hydro/APAP 10/325mg. Also get some from other places when I get close to running out before my refill date (I dont buy them I have family/people that will just give me some if I ask) in July I got the 2 reffils went through them like within 2 1/2 weeks and one of them had a refill but wasnt supposed to get till this week but was able to get it after 15 days of the first one so went and filled that, went through that and also another 100 of them and now just got the other refill a few days ago so that's over 450+ pills in a month and now have 100 more till middle of sept that has to last me however I would like to be off or cut down alot, so I can cut down in sept and be off by Oct.

I've gone through the withdraws and right now I just don't have that kind of time to be going through that again because I can't miss work, and having the kids and having to be there for them especially now since school started I just dont know how to go about how to beat this new demon of mine. I never thought I would get addicted to anything or "drugs" as I've tried drugs like in high school but never really liked any of them and never took them other then like a few times here and there like more sociallbly then just to use them, also wised up when I had my first kid and now I feel like I've gotten so far into a hole that I don't know if I'll ever be able to come back out of and just be or feel like a normal person.

I look at my kids at times and just wish I could be like them and not in pain or know of all these things I know of now and be innocent or just wish i never stepped into this new drug that's legal to do and have as long as you have a prescription but I know I've abused and now I'm trying to just get back to normal again even if I have to be in pain but able to manage it.

I'm on a final now at work till the end of the year for being late here and there a min here and a min there and a couple of times 3 mins but it caught up to me that I have to watch it so that's why its so important that I don't miss work. Also not having help with the kids during the week where I can just hide in my room getting over this so that's not to much of an option.

When I first kinda got off I just kinda wheened myself down till friday morn was the last one to last me for the day and just delt with it and it was hell and my friend dragged me out to keep me busy but I also wasn't taking as much as I am now, and when I try now to cut down now it's like, "One more day of this great feeling" 'Just one more day", "ok last day, then get on track"... I've gotten so weak minded now I'm so lost and have noticed I've gotten depressed since all this, ever sunce like the begaining of the year I've been withdrawing from people and or doing things... For the last two months or so I've been home every weekend and haven't gone or have a desire to go out on weekends.

I know I'm hurting my body as I'm already having or going through complications or noticing different things and thats why I want to change before I do something serious if it's not serious yet but I'm just confused, lost, and don't know what to do...???

Reason why I've posted this here is because only other message board I post at that I have been posting at for like years the main age group is like teens to young adults and not alot understand and or know about this new drug that people have been getting into as I've read alot on the net for some kind of help or stuff about it it's becoming more and more popular among people and becoming like the new america's choice of a drug, also because everyone here is an adult and might know and or can suggest things that worked for them if anyone has been through this or know someone who has??

Thanks in advanced for any and all help I will greatly appreciate it...

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

Anyone at all? I'm sure there's gotta be someone that has been through this or known someone that has or maybe is??? I was doing good then stupid voice in your head was like just a few more it hurts so bad, or feeling like some withdraws and getting like cold symptoms and knowing you have some it's like one or two more will make it go away....

I'm hating this life that I'm in right now. I've read medical sites but it's like from people who never been there and done that, sometimes I just want to get on me knee's and beg for this to just pass me or get out of my system. I started because I was hurt and in pain, and yes I'll admit that once I was able to get a whole month's supply then I started taking daily even though I really didn't have to and before I knew it I was running out before refills and taking more then I was supposed to. It's been so long now that I don't know or remember how it feels to be "normal" it's like I'm in a state that's not the real me and even though I'm more outgoing and open I guess you could say I'd rather be my shy quiet self again and not have to worry about this and that or running out or getting sick.

I don't want to get to a point that I'm neglecting my kids or using they're money to go out and buy stuff, I don't neglect them now I'm there for them and always there but worried that one day I'll get to sick that'll last for some time or being moody, I have noticed I lose my patience sometimes but don't flip out or get angry and or just secluding myself from everyone.

It's a tough situation and I know I have a problem and I do want to stop but I've never had something this hard ever in my life and just everything that is going on it's to hard to try to get away for a week from everything to lock myself away and just go cold turkey, there's gotta be a way or something else to do to get over this without talking to the dr's then being labled an addict and never be able to get pain pills again even if I absolutely needed some and if it ever came to that I defitnally wouldn't abuse or use for a long period of time again now knowing what I've been through and what I had to do to get back to normal if that could ever happen.

Rank: Senior Member Joined: 02 Feb 2005 Posts: 291

Hello Zombie!

Well, I'm non english speaker so I'm not sure having understood all correctly. I feel very sorry for what you live but I can read you want to go out of this addict. I'm not professional in medical or psychological stuff but if I were you, first I would tell the truth to your 2 doctors and would follow only advice from one! My father and brother are doctors and I know that a lot of people are addict to medication. But you should talk to your doctor and explain what happened, your dosis and ask him to help you to reduce your addict/dosis. Normally, your doctor will give you advice and help you.

Sorry, maybe it's not the answer-help you're waiting but this is the only thing I can say because, your physical pain is real. It's different from example that I know with people addict to anti-depressive medication or sleeping pills. In that case, the intervention of psychology or psychiatrist is really helpfull.

Be brave ("courage" in french) and strong.

Official Model Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2358

HI Zombie,

I had no idea you were going through this problem. I wish I would have read this sooner. First of all...I would like to let you know that we all here care about you and your situation. I know there's a really good supportive group of guys that often lend support out to others who are in need for different reasons. You shouldn't ever feel ashamed or feel like you can't talk to anyone. Sometimes the best people to talk to are the ones who don't REALLY know you. They are usually the ones who are the least judmental and can give out good advice because they are viewing the situation from an outsiders perspective.

Before I go into my story and "2 cents" I want to let people know that I am saying what I am about to say....to try to help Zombie....so PLEASE let's keep the focus on Zombie. We need to be here for him....this is isn't about me...this is about him.

I would like to let you know that I can DEFINITELY relate to your situation! My brother is also addicted to pain pills. I knew it was always a problem for him....but I didn't know of how serious of a problem it was until probably around 2 or 3 weeks ago when I was talking to my Mom in TX. She said she had recieved a message from him and was going to call him back. When she called him back his friend answered the phone and said he was rushed off to the ER. His friend was SOOOO wasted himself that my Mom could barely get words out of him. So my Mom did not know if he was playing, if he was seeing visions or if he was serious. My Mom didn't know what hospital he was going to or anything. She got off the phone with me called my Dad and they both made phone calls....then finally she found the hospital he was admitted to. The ambulance was called because he had stopped breathing. The ER had to transfer him to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) because he was still unable to breath on his own. When my parents got there he had all sorts of tubes connected to him...going inside him. He had a breathing tube going down inside his throat down into his lungs. He basiclly died. After being there for about 2 days he finally woke up. He had to stay for an additional 2 days to make sure that he was going to be okay. Myself and my whole family were VERY VERY scared.
For some reason he was given another chance at life. When he woke up he told everyone that he is done with pills, that he's going to get his life back on track, he was sorry for how's he's treated everyone and how he doesn't want anything to do with those old friends of his. I don't REALLY know how he's doing now but as far as I know he's doing okay. He told me what happened that night when the ambulance came to get him was that....he was with a friend and had bought a couple of pills off of her. After that he was pretty wasted and didn't really know what he was doing. He kept buying them off of her and kept taking them. So either she wasn't much of a friend at all....not caring about how much he was taking....only on the money she was making or she didn't know that he was taking them as soon as he was buying them from her. Anyhow....it was his fault for taking even 1. After my brother woke up in the hospital he told me that they had found all sorts of things in his system (I can't remember them all). So my brother was trying to tell me that if he had taken the "right"pills that he wouldn't have been in the situation he was in. I told him it was his wanting to take a pill that put him in the hostpital. If he would have never wanted the pill...then he wouldn't be sitting there on a hospital bed.

That is my story for now. I have SOOO much more to say. I would like share my feelings about my situation with him to you and I would like to give you my advice about your situation.

Please read my next post.....It will go up tonight.

love...Your Friend,

AB

p.s. You are definitely not alone on this.....

Official Model Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2358

Actually, I just found out that he's doing pain pills again.

This whole thing is VERY frustrating to me because I love him so much. I can't understand addiction because I'm not an addictive kind of person. I can't see how someone can't be strong enough to walk away...to say no. I have given him so much good advice and he's agreed with me and says he wants to change etc. etc. but he just can't seem to not give in to temptation. It's a very sad sad situation. He has had friends who have died in car accidents and who have become paralized because they fell asleep at the wheel while on pain pills. His ex-girlfriend which was the one who introduced him to pain pills has been in and out of rehad and jail. My brother has lost everything...his car..job...money....possesions...all because of pain pills. He tries to find excuses of why it's okay for him to do them...yet knows that he needs to stop. My brother fell at his old job and his back was kind of messed up...well....he uses that excuse all the time as well as stress.

Alot of people think like you Zombie...it's okay to do them because it's legal...."I have a prescription" but the truth is that they are all drugs.

I'm going to tell you like I told him. I think you need spirituality in your life. You need to find a different way to deal with stress, depression and your physical pain you get from not doing it. I REALLY believe that you should talk to your friend about the truth.....that you are back on them...so that he can give you the support and help that you need from friends. If he's really a friend he will be there for you and if he's not....well then....that really tell's you what kind of friend he is. I also believe that you should call and see who in your family can take the kids for awhile and take them to school and everything until you get 100% clean. The kids being with you right now is not the best thing for them or you. Then you should check yourself into a rehad. Of course talk to your boss before hand in private and let them know of your problem and that you'll need to get some medical help. Most employers will grant that medical leave as long as you give them a certain amount of notice. Also, when you look around for a rehab...really do your homework...there are some that are better than others. I think doing this is your BEST BET for your life and for your kids lives. When you come back out of rehab you can have a set schedule and every Monday after the kids do their homework and after they eat dinner...you can all go out for a walk....Tuesday...you can play baseball at the park....Wendsday....you can all play basketball....etc. It doesn't matter what it is but the idea is to get you outdoors enjoying the air, sun, getting exercise and spending quality time with your kids....this is great to do to help keep your mind off of bad thoughts. This should also help you with stress, depression, fatigue and etc. I think your FIRST step should be rehab. You've proven you can't do it one your own. Let some facility help you. There will always be temptation but with the right tools that you will learn and have from a rehab you will have the power to kill the temptation and walk away. Believe me we all hear that little voice in our head that says....do this drug....just try it....one more....or one more drink....or whatever it is .....(our weaknesses) but the thing is...you know right from wrong...you just have to decide to not do what those little voices are telling you.....the voices that are telling you to do more and such.

I contacted Dr. Phil about my brother and they were very interested in having him on the show and giving him some help....but my brother did not want to go on the show. I would LOVE to suggest for you to contact Dr. Phil and go on his show to get the BEST help you could possibly get. What do you have to loose right? Everyone around you who would know about your situation would be VERY proud of you if you made a decision like that.

PLEASE don't ever feel like if you're not good enough, like if your're hopeless or embarrased about talking to others about what your're going through. Look everyone makes mistakes....everyone needs help from others at some point in time. I've already had a few mid life crisis myself. If it wasn't for my spirituality and my family to lean on....I don't know where I would be today. People can turn their lives around. People do it all the time. It's not impossible for you.....it is possible. You just have to want to do it sooooo bad and do it for your kids more than anything. I was watching this thing on Discovery the other night....and they were talking about how the human mind is so strong that it can give the body super hero strength. They showed different stories of men and women who had super hero strength when the were put in a position where a loved one's life was on the line. Mind over matter. The mind is the strongest part on your body. If you want something bad enough....your mind can make it happen.

Well, my brother went to church today...and he enjoyed it. He's supposed to go back on Wend. I'm going to propose the Dr. Phil show again and see if he agrees to go on this time. Oh I also wanted to tell you that I saw on the Oprah show ( I love Oprah!) a while back a show about Housewives being hooked on pain pills. It is a very common problem.....alot more than what you think.

I hope that I've helped in some way.

love, your friend.

AB

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

It did, thanks for you're story and you're suggestions. I do agree the mind is a powerful thing and it's underestimated. I am proud to say that I've actually been off since Friday. I kinda wheened down and planned it for this weekend since I have a 3 day weekend and Saturday was rough. I slept most of the day, got up around 8 got me in the shower and went for a drive got to my friends work before he got off and we talked for about an hour just standing out there. I still haven't told him, I figure if I can't make this go around then I would. He would be behind me and help, he used to be my teacher in HS and I was at his side all last year when he went through cancer and finally beat it. I don't think he would be to upset, he probably has a hunch though I'm sure of it especially how this weekend has gone.

When I got back saturday night I played a game of Madden then I was getting anxious so I took my sleeping pill and my anti-depressent (I've read to much about the mood swings so I'm making sure I take those) and I still couldn't get to sleep, maybe it was cause I slept all afternoon till 730 at night (more then likely) but my sleeping pill is Ambein and I take half of one cause it knocks me out right away but last night didn't and I took a whole one. I was also getting the hot sweats cold sweats restless legs you name it (thankfully though my digestive system wasn't messed up like the first time I tried to quit) so I finally made me a hot bath and I fell asleep in there, I woke up little bit later and the water was cold so I dumped it and filled it again with hot water and fell asleep again till it got cold. Then I got up thinking it only had been like a coule or few hours and it's 730am so I stay up. Watch tv with pillows around me supporting my legs and back. Then I could feel it again so I just get ready and go to the gym and I sat in the steam room and hot tub for about two hours.

Something strange happened while at the gym. I'm in the jacuzzi and I'm not to open I'm actually really shy in person till I get to know someone or they open up to me. So anyways I'm sitting there and this old man (well maybe his late 40's or early 50's) just comes in and like ups his head as to say hey whats up or hello, I kinda acknowledge just trying to keep to myself and he sits by me and just starts talking to me so I respond back but short answers kinda then eventually I just kinda open and talk about my life how I was married and I left her cause what she did and how I have the kids full time and work and all... Then kinda opens up to why I was there and we talked about that, I said that I'm still hurting sometimes even when taking so trying a new approach to just get off and what not, he taps my arm and like befriends me. He gives me his card to apply with the state as he could get me a job but right now I'm just trying to get my settled at the one I have and we talk a little bit more and I go back to the steam room and get to work out so leave and this is maybe ten mins later and he's gone out of the locker room. I know it takes more then that to get ready plus he's not to fast and what not. So I'm thinking to myself on why that happened could it been someone to kinda help me and get the urges out of me or something? I'm not to religous but I'll pray at night and I have been since friday for help and strength to get off of them. So I leave and I go to my friends sister grave (she's the one that introduced them to me when I was hurting one night from wrestling practice when I was coaching) and I sit there real peaceful not even thinking about pills or anything, I talk in my head maybe she's there maybe she can hear who knows. I don't get mad but ask for her help as well because she wasn't as hooked as she would give her's away so she wasn't to big on them. I lay there on the grass for awhile just thinking talking praying and I'm just feeling good and relaxed calm not craving or wanting.

So I finally come home, I play another game then I get restless so I know it's time for a nap I go lay down take like a two hour nap get up get ready and go to my aunts about an hour after I got up. She knows what I've been doing now. She didn't before but I would get some of her's here and there when I was running out or when I did to keep me going till the next refill and she never noticed till one time because I took so much and it was a new fill for her but I denied and we just left it at that. There was times I'd go get her refill and never once did she question me and like a couple of weeks back I went to the pharmacy and sure enough it was ready so I picked it up and left. A few days later she tells me that someone picked it up (she knew it was me) and tells me how they're viewing the cameras and going to procacute and so now I'm freaked and I had to go to her house that day before I went to a concert to give her the key to the house so she could come watch the kids, so I go and fess up and just give them back. She still tries to talk to me like I don't know anything about them she doesn't know how bad or deep I'm in so I just agree with her.

So today she ask's and I tell her I haven't been on and I'm withdrawing but it's weird it's not that bad today at all except for the morning part and after my nap I felt fine. We got into an argument about other stuff and I just left and thats when my mind starting kicking in because I still have two pills left that I haven't touched or even came close to taking there just there in case it got to bad but more for when I went back to work to get me through the day because I can't miss anymore time for the remainder of the year. And it's that voice, just take me or take them, it'll make you feel better and you won't be stressed or upset or have your headache and I just listen to my music and keep driving and don't even get to them or anything. It's funny to cause alot of the songs I was listening to was about drug use some Guns n Roses and Marilyn Manson but for some reason it didn't phase me.

So I go back a couple hours later since my kids were dropped off there pick them up and come home, I'm not stressed or even thinking about them or feeling anything from not taking anything. I get home play video games while my daughter sits there and tells me about the weekend and stuff since they had a bbq or something for her at her moms mom house for her bday since it's tomorrow, I told them I'd take them to Cliffs (an amusement park over here in NM) so already have the day planned and my mind kinda went again, what if you get tired what if you start hurting and what not eventually I just block it out.

Right now I'm feeling like almsot normal, my back is aching and hurting, my knee is hurting, seems like I'm feeling any and every kind of pain right now stuff that I've probably got used to before the pills and when taking they would take it all away so its like coming back at me now so it's a matter of just getting used to it and manage through.

So none Sat or today, don't plan on any tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday will be the toughest as I go back to work and that was always when I would take as it would like improve my performance. I work at Verizon WIreless at a call center doing tech support for the PDA phones basically the highest level of tech support as well, and when on them I'm more open and nothing bothers me, yet I could feel the difference last week as I was cutting down because I didn't have that "High" feeling, I would take one when things were getting bad and it would just get me to normal but not "high" or that warm fuzzy feeling. I think I could do it, I figure if I can make it tomorrow being with the kids all day I'll make it through the week and should be good to go.

What helps is I can't go for a refill till the 20th so Im kinda out of luck for that. I've thought of ways to get some, like go ask my other aunt that lives by me since she would if I asked, go downtown look for dealers (I've never had to buy mine I just got my scripts) Call friends that might know where to get some, thought about kinda breaking into the pharmacy but like mission impossible style coming from the roof but all the above is just unrealistic and I'm not that desperate to try something that would get me in jail and kinda scared to ask the other aunt as I really don't like going and asking for stuff from them. Also just my other voice saying how long I've been off and how it hasnt been that bad trying to get off right now so why ruin what I have going cause I'll be where I'm at again next weekend when I run out then I'll probably have a worse time with it.

So, right now haven't taken any and feeling pretty ok. Getting ready for bed now, had a few beers to kinda calm the nerves but other then that it hasn't gotten out of control or bad like it was the first time, I don't know if it had to do with wheening off, maybe that guy that talked to me today, sitting at my friends grave, my prayers I've said as I was almost about to just go to my knees and ask out loud, maybe my aunt that knows is praying or people on here and another board that I've talked to this about. Something is defitnally helping me and or could just be me and my power to actually want to stop this time and not listening to the other things my mind is telling me.

Thanks again for listening and telling you're story. When I was doing my reasearch about trying to get off I've learned how common it is, the reasons why I ended up abusing it just like everyone who has is because of the euphora feeling you get. It's like being drunk without the hang over, it made me to a different person I wasn't "shy" it took all pains away, helped with stress as nothing really bothers you in that state. Narcotic Pain Pills are like the new drug of choice because how easy you can get and that they're legal if you have your prescription with you.

I'm also not an addictive person, I've tried just about anything except for some of the harder stuff and I just never got into drugs (when I was younger in HS and all of course) When I actually admittied to myself and knew I needed help is when I realized what I've done, I may have liver damage or might have damaged some body parts but maybe they'll heal. I can't blame anyone but myself because I was the only one who let it get out of control.

Well I better go, I'm getting cold and sleepy but I'll post some more tomorrow how I'm doing and through out the week. Good luck with you're brother, maybe if you share my story with him maybe that'll help but I also got to fully overcome this to. The hardest will be the temptation to go to the dr's on the 20th or around that time. If I can skip that and stay off then I think I would have over come this but I'm determined now more then ever, especially being it's been 2 days and going to 3 and I havent had any major withdraw symptoms which I'm grateful for right now so don't want to mess up what I have going.

Good night and good moring and thanks again it's defitnally more inspiering to hear from someone that's like at the top or celebrity that also has or had the same kind of issue's even if it wasn't them but knwoing someone close that is going through it. Defitnally shows a side that even people who have just about anything have the same problems as just about anyone or same issue's within family.

Thanks...

PS...
Love the new wallpapers, especially the second one. But the colors are different and awesome and new, defitnally different not like just a pic with a background same old ya know. Can't wait to see more :0)

Jake

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

Well the whole weekend so far without any hydro or oxycodone. I'm feeling it more now to be honest. Starting to get sweats and couldn't sleep at all last night. Went to the tub and slept in there for about 90 mins. I just keep taking deep breaths getting house chores done and gotta get ready, one of my daughters bday today and I promised I'd take them to Cliffs (an amusement park here) and I defitnally can't let this get in the way of that because it's not they're fault. I figure as long as I keep busy I'll make it. I had an ok breakfest, I've actually lost alot of weight now, I was a little over 200 again like maybe 203 and when I went to the gym yesterday I was at 192. Appitite hasn't been there but eating fruits also instead of junk or fatty foods.

Well better start getting everyone ready, I know I'm going to do it, I'm feeling more confident this time around and not trying to let the witdraws over power me. I look at my two pills but then put them away, maybe just reminding my mind I have them helps and makes it go away also just talking about it is helping as well.

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 15 Apr 2005 Posts: 1010

hey zombie -
i just got done reading this whole thread, i finally had some time, and i wanted to see how you were doing, and what was going on. i hope you are still staying strong and clean. sorry i had not read this earlier - i would have liked to have helped you out sooner at least with some encouraging words. i wish i could help relate to you with a story of my own like yours, but i haven't got one. i guess i should thank God for that, but i can still offer you my support. speaking to you as another single father, though, i know how much you mean to those kids - and don't ever forget that. you are the world to them, and don't jeopardize your relationship with them over some pills, or doing anything crazy to get those pills. use them (the kids) as your motivation and inspiration to stay clean. i used to use marijuana quite a bit - never really got addicted like many of my friends did, but as soon as i had my first child, i put that life behind me. they mean everything to me as i'm sure yours do to you. i never wanted to risk hurting myself or hurting them because of bad choices that i made. i know that once you have gotten addicted to those pills, though, it is VERY hard to quit - especially cold turkey or without any help. Alley had some very good suggestions - i too think you should get some professional help. those specialist know what they are doing - it is their job to help people in your situation overcome that mindset that they need the drugs. once you are addicted, it is no longer just a mere "choice" you are making to do the drugs. and the professionals know how to change that idea in your mind that you need them to function. that's what it is really, the drugs have altered your mind into "thinking" it needs them. i hope that if you are still clean - you keep that up. i have a question, though, i'm assuming that your insurance is paying for these doctor visits and prescriptions - hasn't there been any suggestion of physical therapy? i have been through that for my back, and it has helped me quite a bit. if not, maybe you should give that a try? that could help you not rely on the drugs as much for pain relief.
i also agree with Alley - i think you should tell your family, friends, and your doctors what has happened. like she said - it is definitely nothing to be ashamed of, and i'm sure they will do everything they can to help you out of this situation.
then there's your employer - well, let me tell you - every employer that i've ever had, has made it very clear that they will support the employees 100% if they need to get help for an addiction - as long as the employee comes to them first that's the key. if you wait till they have to bring it up to you, or ask you if there is a problem, then in most cases it is too late. i'm sure verizon is the same - you need to go to them before you are late again or miss a day, because you never know what might happen - the end of the year is a long way away. i used to work for cingular at their call center, and if they are anything alike, you can't be a minute late, or they are very quick to write you up! - bastards! Confused

well, like i said before, i hope i could at least have helped you with some encouragement and advice. and i hope you are reading this right now still clean. you have already done the most difficult part - you have acknowledged that you have a problem and decided to do something about it. you have done it before, and if you need it - your family and friends are here to help you do it again. also, remember your kids - be there for them with a clear mind - they need you.
good luck, and let us know how you are doing!
- justin

Rank: Veteran Joined: 07 Mar 2005 Posts: 837

I agree with what Alley and j3 are saying about telling at least your doctor about your addiction. He or she should be used to having folks addicted to the medication they prescribe and should have some ways for you to get help, whether it's in regards to alternative medication and/or pain management. Telling someone you trust is the best way to insure that someone will be looking out for you if you should have a relapse. I have had friends with addictions before and they all had to hit rock bottom before they began seeking help. Hopefully, that won't be your case.

I also agree w/Alley that you should have some spirituality in your life, regardless of who or what you believe in. Faith in a higher power or entity can sometimes carry you beyond what you know or what you THINK you know. It has brought me a mighty long way...maybe it can do the same for you.

The most important thing on your mind should be your children. They still need you to be there for them to influence them. In order to do that, you have to have a clear heart and mind, which means you have to get help. Don't do anything that will take you away from them (overdose, accident, prision, death, etc.). My father died when I was 26 and I still miss having him around and listening to his advice (he's been gone for seven years now). Whenever you get the idea of using, think of them and how they ould react if they knew also. I hope what I said helps.

Rank: Veteran Joined: 07 Mar 2005 Posts: 837

On a separate note, Alley, please keep us updated on your brother. I hope that you continue to stay by his side. He needs to know that you love him and that you'll always be there for him. Hopefully, he'll seek help, either by way of Dr. Phil or another way. I know how important family is to you and I know you wish that you can just make his pain and addiction go away. It's frustrating to see the people we love in so much pain and misery. That's the moment we should turn to our faith and pray for a way out of the darkness. It's easy to pray and praise when things are going good, but it can be very difficult when things aren't what you want them to be. To me, THAT's the time for you to pray and have faith the most to pull you through.

Again, Alley, please update us on your brother's condition, as well as your father's health. I, as well as the rest of the AB Nation, care about what happens to you. If you need to talk, you can always e-mail me or just come here to vent or rant about whatever you need to. We ain't going nowhere. Take care, princess.

Official Model Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2358

Zombie,
Where are you baby??

I wanted to tell you that telling your doctor (if you really DO want to stay clean) is something you should definitely do. Also, you should have been going to a chiropractor as well as physical therapy for any pain or discomfort. Most doctors are so quick to give prescriptions out. It's all about money....

Anyway, I also wanted to tell you that I know you can continue to stay clean. You have to believe it too. Keep your mind busy....do whatever you have to do....just don't take any pills. Believe me or not...once you get over the "hump" of staying clean...it will get easier and easier every day.

If you do them again...please don't be ashamed or too embarrased to let us know. Just let it be proof that you can't do it alone and that you do need proffesional help. You think that your life can't get any worse...well things can always get worse....if you continue to take them without getting help. Also remember this....when things are bad....they do ALWAYS get good again....you just have to have the positive actions following the positive thinking.

My brother is having really bad stomach pains and is having flu like symptons. He's having a really tough time with it right now. I think he's going through withdrawls. Zombie, don't you want to leave this kind of torment behind you. You can make it happen by just walking on by. Don't stop. Just keep walking...
My brother is going back to church tomorrow. I wonder how that's going to go. Hopefully....he'll get closer to God and have his help to pull him out of this hell he's in.

My best to you Zombie.

God Bless!

xoxoxo
AB

p.s. Thanks Tyger.

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 15 Apr 2005 Posts: 1010

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

Hi, thanks everyone. Still trucking through. It got tougher since being back at work, especially cause I'm more "moody" I guess and have to be nice at work and the temp in the center is never right so I'm just hot, cold, hot, sweaty, clamy, but just making it by saying I'm sick have a cold. Also during the week so busy with the kids so don't get to much time on the computer or when I do I can't stay to to long.

I'm taking ibprophan to help and a medication that I've had called naruaten or something it's not habit forming nor a narcotic but it defitnally helps with the muscles and like the "restless" legs. So sick though can't eat. Last night I woke up at 3am hurting so bad and my sinus all messed up and since I have to be up at 530 anyways I couldn't fall back asleep and stayed up and ended up drinking 4 red bulls to get me through the day. I did go to the dr's today but because I had to take my daughter I didn't say nothing about anything or ask about a refill she asked how I was doing I said good except my allergies or having a small cold she did give me something for my allergies though but we didn't discuss anything about the pain medication.

I would really look into going to rehab if it gets harder for me or I get back on but still would be so hard because I'm a single father, I live outside of the city. Not sure if you're familier with New Mexico but like say Albuquerque is in the middle of the state thats like the main city I guess you could say that's where I work but I live like 15 miles north of there so having to drive back and forth everyday is already tough with gas, and not really having anyone to watch the kids and no income coming in if I were to go in would hurt me and I could lose the house. I kinda already got behind one month and we've been trying to get it straight cause I'm on a budget kinda, so like one check goes to Van and utilites and the other to the house and the other bills and having to do daycare and stuff is defitnally hard as it is and that's why I'm really trying to put an effort into stopping now.

You do have my word though that if I do get hooked again I'll let you know and see what options I will have to do then. I'm actually fortuanate that these withdraws arent that bad to be honest. Most of it is resembling a bad cold with body aches and unstable tempature and just being uncomfortable. If I take a hot shower or bath I'll feel better but just for a short period. I've kept on my antidepressents that I've had but never really took only to help me sleep I would but those have been helping alot and keeping me focused. Also like I said I was taking the other stuff but at least those are not like the one's I'm taking so it kinda helps take the edge away but just a little I think majority is mental.

My family does know, my mom tried to lecture me but she's an alcoholic and we barley get along so we just clashed. My aunt is kinda the same but she's a pill popper also and thats where I would get some if I was running out and she actually hasn't been taking any so she's been real moody so I'm just staying away from them. I've listened to alot of music lately, some of it about drugs and pills like Eminem and Marilyn Manson and Guns n Roses but seems to help in a way cause it's like almost done but I know this isn't going to cure myself in a week or two this is going to be something that I need to keep at cause the temptation will always be there.

My friend (not the one I'm afraid to tell) but another had the nerve if I wanted to buy any I kinda got mad at him cause he knew I've been off since the weekend so I've kinda stopped talking to him I've tried to talk with him but I'm not going to lecture if he still does what he does then that's his probalem I'm glad that I'm not getting any so I don't have to hear him beg for any.

It's been so tough though I will admit that. I'm afraid it's going to lead me to drinking again not that I was that big of a drinker but I would drink like every weekend or every other weekend, now if I drink it's like once a month or so and not even to get drunk but thats been tempting now just to feel relaxed but I had one beer the other night and just made me feel worse.

Thanks for all your support. Its easier talking to people that are more adults and could understand or know people who have been through this. Alley thank you so so much for your help and your story, I wish your brother the best, I know cause of your status but I would tell you to let him know he could talk to me if he wants advise but I can try to help with how I'm getting through it by posting here and your more then welcome to share my stories with him. I might go to church this Sunday if I can get up out of bed this weekend and stuff, it defitnally sounds encouraging and like last weekend just getting to the gym even though it was to sit in the hot tub and steam room and going to my friends sister grave helped and made me think alot. So I'm sure just going to church even if I dont know anyone or pay to much attention but just being in there and listening and having my thoughts sounds like it will help.

Sorry it took awhile to get back to you guys or if I worried you. I'm still good. If there's a chat I'll try my best to make the next one but don't want to ruin it and talk about this but will still try to be there.

I can't thank you enough Alley, I think just hearing from you about this inspired me even more. Someone of your status to actually listen to something serious like this is defitnally an inspiration and very much appreciated. I defitnally don't want you to feel like I didn't listen so that's why even trying harder because it ment alot to hear back from you and don't want to dissapoint you as I'm sure your brother doesnt want to either and could feel bad if he thinks he will because thats how I feel if I were to tell my friend. I would try to find out what he's been on and for how long and how much. I've been on mainly just hydrocodone for the last year and I get 10mg or was (its the hydrocodone/apap(tylenol) 10/325mg) which is actually considered like a "low" kinda drug it's lower then percoset (oxycodone) and oxycontin. If he's on oxycontin or morphine those are the toughest to go through it's like being on herion even methadone which is given to people trying to kick herion. I never tried oxycontin or morphine or methadone jsut because of all the horror stories I heard about them and how easy it was to get addicted to and I didn't want to get into something I couldn't support but I still did with just hydrocodone which is basically lortab.

For mine as you know I kinda kept taking less each day and waited longer periods between taking and then kinda just ran out. I slept most of it the first day and second but just tried to manage and just made my house the most comfortable and clean so I could lounge and be comfortable even though I was so uncomfortable and just keeping a good mind set. Even wtih idiot friends but letting they're weakness power me more because I know I'm doing for the better even if it cost's losing friends in the process.

I better get going for now, gotta get things straightened here and all and the kids to bed...

Thanks again!

I'll keep ya posted...

PS
You could call me Jake also lol

Jake

Official Model Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2358

Hey Jake,

It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you're okay and still CLEAN!! That is the BEST news ever!!!!!
I wanted to tell you that I believe in angels....and believe that God puts certain people in our lives to help us when we need it the most....even if just means that that person makes us think differently....or gives us a certain amount of strength. Everything happens for a reason. I really believe in that too.

I just spoke to my brother. His story is so so sad. I get SOOOOOO frustrated with him. When I called my Dad woke him up. My Dad first said he was too wasted to talk and was asleep. I had my Dad wake him up. At first he sounded kind of out of it but the more he talked to me the more he was snapping out of it. I think he probably took the pills earlier in the night or something? Anyway...he mentioned the Dr. Phil show....and said he wants to go. I don't know how serious he is or if he was just messed up but I will ask him again tomorrow when he's more awake and alert. I feel so bad for him. I feel like if I've said all that I could have said. Me hooking him up with Dr. Phil is the only and last thing I can do.

I know he likes to take Zanix (bars) but I also know that he has and will take any kind of pain pill (vicodin, lortab and whatever else). It's funny how people think that it's okay to pop pills because it's a pill......it's not something that they're snorting or smoking....they just take a pill....so I guess that makes them better than that other person who's snorting....right? That's how my brother treats the situation. I don't know. I'm just sad, angry, frustrated and SOOOOOOO freakin frustrated with him and this pain pill problem. I hope to GOD he gets help!

About your situation Jake....if you do need to go to rehab....can't your kids live with your family....even if it means that they are in an other state? I know it's not the most convenient thing....but at times like these you have to work with the situation that you have. If you were going to rehab I would still talk to your job and see how they can help you as far as pay and leave. Also there are some medical insurance that offers those same benefits. So that way....you wont loose your house while you are at rehab.

I think that's REALLY REALLY great that you are doing it and staying strong and clean....but I would hate for you to turn to another substance to try to help you get off of the pain pills. If you do that then you could easily get addicted to that as well.

Well....I wish you the best Jake. I'll say a prayer for you.

Give your little ones a kiss for me.

lots of love,
AB

Rank: Casual Joined: 19 Mar 2005 Posts: 10

Alley,i couldn't find the ask alley's advice thread and i didn't want to start another topic,but do you think if somebody is on anti-depressants and they are single and never even had a relationship that finding a female companion would help them out? Even alittle?

Official Model Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2358

Tasm...I think it would help as long as you find someone who is a positive influence in your life and will do things to help you with your stress and depression levels. I know what I'm saying because my brother has found females in his life that have always brought him down instead of lifting him up.

i hope that helps...

AB

Rank: Rookie Joined: 02 Feb 2005 Posts: 64

Hey Jake,
Hi, I',m Steve. I tuned in after some time and I read all the threads. I will pray for you. I just did. I prayed that you would find him and find a solution to your problem. I would like you to consider calling on a 12 step group like AA or NA. They are the completely best friends I have ever had. They did not judge me when I walked in the door and when I slipped up they did not come on strong with a lot of shit. HOWEVER i have gone to meetings in some ares where there are some real shit kickers but mostly over all I have found that if you are sincerely able to admit you have a problem no one in those rooms would ever do anything to hurt you. It kind of boils down to do you really want to get straight. Even for a day? I've done it for my career, for my wife, and for my kids but when it really hits home is when you see it as wrong for you. You can call the Alcoholism Council in your area and they will tell you the nearest meeting. Those people in that room when you walk in will give you so much love I doubt you will be unaffected. My wish is that God grant you serenity in this moment to make that call and go meet some fabulous people. God made you special, for a reason and this vacancy in your spirit that you are temporarily filling with a drug is a space He has reserved for you to experience His love for you. Go now and find it. God bless, Steve. Hope I don't sound too preachy. Just been around some of thos places too often myself. Much love.

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 15 Apr 2005 Posts: 1010

hi jake
glad to see that you are still doing well, and doing it clean. sorry i didn't make it here yesterday, but i see that the last time you were here you were looking good. it sounds like it has not been easy for you - but you are doing great - keep it up!
it's good that you are also keeping your mind off of it by keeping busy with your kids. just keep them in mind if you ever get the urge to go back to the pills. i hope that these days are getting easier for you as each one passes.
keep resisting the temptations and
let us know how you are doing
i'll be praying for you too!
good luck!
- justin

Official Model Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2358

I am SOOOOOOOOOO freaking pissed and angry right now....Jake. My brother overdosed earlier tonight and fell in the kitchen. My dad caught him and my brother started foaming at the mouth. Supposedly he had 4 Soma's. What is a Soma?? To make a long story short the ambulance came and picked him up and took him to the ER. They gave him charcoal and saline water to flush and clean out his system. I AM SOOOOOOOOO done with it!!!!!! Now that he's out my family and he are acting like nothing just happened. Maybe they are used to it?? I don't know but if I was there I would not be acting like it just didn't happen. I just found out about it all and my Mom just got back from the hospital with him. I told my mom that I'm done with him. I'm sick of it all. I can't stand it. He's not my brother any more. He's a loser as far as I'm concerned. Look.....there's a BIGGGGGGGG difference between you (jake) and my brother. You are trying your hardest.....to stay away from them and to stay clean. You are doing everything and anything you can possibly think of to not do them. My brother is not trying. He's not caring. I told my mom if he doesn't care about himself then why should I?? I told him....if he wanted to die SOOOOOOO bad....then why not go out and get a freakin gun and pull the trigger and get it over with quicker? Why not?? He might as well do it. I can't wait to talk to my other brother and share my feelings with him. I am so serious though...I am done. I don't want to talk to him again or anything until I know for a fact that he's been clean for over a year at least. The sadest part is that I know he's going to die. I just know it. My family aren't the type to get "help"....therapy. They don't have the funds...and they just wouldn't do it.
I am sooooooo proud that you are able to be strong and stay clean and decide to be a fighter.
I am so proud of you....words can't even describe.

Thanks for listening.

AB

Rank: Veteran Joined: 02 Feb 2005 Posts: 989

I'm sorry bout your brotha, Alley. It is hard to watch a family member go down that path. My dad's poison was alcohol. We even had a family intervention with all the kids talking to him.

I believe the strength and will to fight must come from within. You can't really help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I hope that your brotha makes it back from the darkness.

Peace & a prayer to him

Rank: Rookie Joined: 02 Feb 2005 Posts: 64

Good morning Jake,

Just checking in with you. How's it going? Wanted to forward a story to you someone sent me.

"A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the
men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two
survivors, not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other
recourse but to pray to God.

However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to
divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the
island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first
man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able
to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a
wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor
was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of
the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next
day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second
man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife
could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his
side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and
decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the
other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his
prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from
heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"

"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for
them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and
so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer,
which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of
my blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I
should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers
alone, but those of another praying for us.

When Jesus died on the cross he was thinking of you!"

Forwarded in its entirety.

Adding Alley's brother to my prayers.

Jake, I think it's good you are posting. You may want to think about someway to make a daily contact. It could even be anonymous like to the organizations or groups I mentioned earlier.

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

Thanks people. Yesterday was the hardest again, I was just so cranky and trying to keep level headed. Kinda got mad at the kids for no reason and I calmed down apologized to them and stuff. I got home last night and covered every window, locked everything and just keeping myself inside. I was supposed to go to the New Mexico State Fair last night but ended up not going.

I am at a point where I just enjoy being alone but talking on here is helping, it's kinda like being in a support group but not the same. I don't know if I could stand up and talk with people. I got a DWI last year in August and finally just pleaded guilty early this year to get it over with because I still could have dragged it on which I just wanted to get it over with. SInce then I've stopped drinking heavy, barley getting drunk if I do drink. The pills probably helped that because I felt so good without having to drink plus having an interlock deters from drinking because it's still in your system the next day and if you need to get up and go somewhere you have to wait (if you drank alot the night before) I only had that happen once that I went out and the next day I had something to do and tried to start my car and I couldn't. Since then I've known my limits and or just don't have that urge to get drunk. I used to drink a 5th of Tequila like nothing and I think alot had to do with dating trying to be loose and relaxed when meeting someone and or meeting people who drank (my ex wife never drank) and since I've stopped hanging peope that drank my drinking stopped alot even when I would want to like a friday night or sat and I was staying at home.

Thats when the pills got more and more, so I figured to stop hanging around people with that and my friend (the pill popper) calls but I ignore them because I know he's not calling for small talk or to say whats up and will have something to do with pills. I've stopped talking to "girls" again because I would use that as an excuse to be able to talk to them or have the courage. I know it's dangerous in the state I am in but I don't have bad thoughts just like to be alone. I've had my phone off since last night, seems like people only want to call to go out or something and I just don't want to hear from them.

I've kinda tried talking more and more with people at work, maybe meeting a different type of crowd. As you can see once I can open up I'm not like someone you'd expect. I think I posted a picture a long time ago, and I'm bald tattooed and look mean but I'm defitnally not.

So I sit here in my darkned house, havent taken anything to take the edge off, I think thats why I've been cranky, I try to use that we're so busy at work as an excuse of not thinking about them. However every day I think but also remind myself of these feelings I'm feeling because I know I'm still not normal. I woke up one night went to the restroom and was like hallucinating like flash backs with the walls breathing or stuff like that I dont know if I was half asleep and that was the cause or cause my body is a wreck right now.

Alley so sorry to hear about you're brother. I don't know if I would just leave him like that, I know you're so angry and frustrated and seems like nothing is working but I think it's the enviorment he's in and deep down he may want to stop but the temptations are so there and its hard to say no. Soma's are a muscle relaxant but taking alot like 3-6 will make you drunk basically like bad drunk. I used to mix those with hydro's and sometimes I couldn't walk and I would just pass out not remembering and even thinking to myself it's a wonder I woke up again. One time was at work and I took two at the end of my shift with hydro's on my way to the gym and I got there but getting out I was like there was no way I'd make it in there I'll probably pass out so I went to get something to eat, after I was done I like put my head down and I was out for like almost an hour I got up and was so drunk feeling I stumbled out and got home. A couple of times I've been home and just passed out not remembering and when I woke up I got scared. He must have been doing something else or drinking to get that bad. I've taken like 4-6 before with other stuff and never had an OD like that, maybe cause I'm bigger or something I don't know.

I would maybe give him a few days then propose an offer. Maybe offer to get him out of there like to a rehab place but somewhere far away from where he's at. Maybe even have him come with you for a week or something and just take him out away from where he's at because h eneeds a clear head and determination but also away from people that will bring him down. I had not got drunk in so long and on the last UFC PPV and I ordered it of course and had people over got alot of food and stuff, well most of everyone here does not drink heavy, we'll have a few beers, eat, maybe one or two more and that's about it. I just enjoy the food more then drinking, however one of my friends came over that drinks alot, we havent hung out in awhile so I drank with him and I drank alot, alot more then I'm used to because I was with him he's also like a "pushy" drunk trying to make you drink more or keep up. So when the night was over I was still kinda managing somehow though I just couldn't move and felt horrible and managed to call my friend the one I was afraid to talk about the pill thing and like I said he's an older man he was one of my HS teachers and we've gotten close over the last two years. He was heere that night as well as we live in the same town.

Well he came got me and took care of me and basically got me to yak everything up and said I got alcohol poisioning. I surely didn't plan that, I've never felt like that but my body is not used to heavy drinking like it was, plus i think I've messed up my liver that drinking like that surely wasn't going to help it. I don't blame my friend that was over that got me drinking big because I've hung out with him before where I didn't drink much and stuff so it was my fault for getting to the point where I jsut kept downing eveyrthing. So I've surely learned from that.

I've enjoyed not drinking because I'm enjoying not being hung over the next day thats what has been keeping me away as well. I have not enjoyed what I've been going through the last week because it hurts so much but I'm trying to deal with it. I also think that the difference between me and you're brother could be how long he's been using and how much. I got myself to ween down and only been using for about an year and never really got to harder pills even though sometimes I wanted to try them but to scared. I think going cold turkey makes it rougher on someone and the temptation is there. I saw basketball diares like the other week and even then you see him get through the withdraws and just about normal but then his mind takes over when he's alone and gets back on him. Finally took the charector to go to jail to get away get cleaned and stay cleaned. granted it's a movie but it seemed so real almost, expecially when you see him going through that because I kinda felt like that when I ran out one weekend and didn't think much of it and went cold turkey but once I realized what I was going through I got me more.

I'm still here though, it's the weekend so I'll probably post more, I've just kinda got up. A little sad kinda want to get out of the house but kinda comfortable just being away from the outside world. Alley I've prayed for me, you, your brother, my friend thats going through this, and everyone else. Thats what helps me at night to get to sleep I start praying and thinking in my head to let loose and before I know it I'm asleep. I've noticed that it helps also isntead of laying there watching tv trying to fall asleep. The insomia sometimes gets me but I'll take like a little cold medicine or something to sleep to help. My ultimate goal is to not have to take any kind of medication even over the counter unless of course I'm sick with a cold or something like that. Still away from the narcotics though and anything that can be mood alterning or anything that would give me a good buzzed feeling. Did have a couple of beers last night but that was it and played some Madden and finally went to bed.

Also I think the biggest inspiration to me is how you've acknowledged me and I don't want to dissapoint you and escpecially reading your last post and seeing how upset and frustrated you could get defitnally don't want you to think I've let you down as well. This goes to everyone else on the board also. I'm a big believer of treat others how you want to be treated and like with people that help someone I don't want to let them down either or make them feel like they were useless or they're words didn't mean anything. I'm a person also that will listen and help to a point till I think they're just using me to let all they're issues on me or use me for help but not take any action or responcability for themselves or they're issues. I think that's why I've gotten good at trying to overcome this because I know it was my doing and no one elses and can't expect everyone to just help or give me everything because I'm defitnally someone that doesnt take advantage of anyone because I've had it done to me and I defitnally didn't like that so wouldn't do that to people so I try hard to do the things that I say and not like the oppisite.

Ok so that was alot this morning lol, but I'll be back later, maybe take a shower let some sun in the house we'll see.

I'll check in later see how things are going. Thanks again everyone!

Jake

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

A pic of me like a couple of months ago and of what keeps me going and getting through this. I'll try to get a recent once once I shave and stuff lol

[moderator edit: image link removed]

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

these weekends suck. I almost went to my aunts last night to ask for some just so I could sleep. I managed to keep myself busy playing video games then it was to late to ask. Wanted to go to the fair today, get out and get some sun but my friend is working all day and don't want to go alone. Can't wait till the kids come back, as much as they'll fight or bicker and get me frustrated sometimes it's alot easier to keep busy. The physical part is pretty much gone, I'm getting headaches and like still have a small cold symptoms but its all mental now. My back has been killing me it's like triple the pain and of course I feel everything else.

Glad to say it's been a week pretty much. I think it should just be going up from here as long as I don't relapse. Its going to be harder come around the 20th because I know I can get a refill. I've thought about getting and just taking like I would used to like just one here and there when needed but I know I'll over due it again. I'll have the mind working against me, oh just take a few more today, just get high feeling for one day, then it'll be just one more day wait till you get to this certain point then cut back.

I did talk to the dr about acupunture or physical therapy being that no one called me about it or anything and she said she hasn't been able to find one that would work with my schedule but they're still looking.

I'd rather do that then ask for my refill. If I do somehow get my refill because it'll look weird that I don't go in I'll give it to someone so they only give me what I need so I'm not tempted to just take some to take them, I don't know. That just keeps coming in my head and that's going to be my weakest point.

I didn't drink this weekend. I was about to last night to help with the headache and so I could feel "good" but I finally got ready and drove to town and picked up dinner. I can't drink when I eat or full so that's one way I'll detear myself.

Well it's opening day of football and my buffalo bills are doing awesome so far.. Think I'll stay home again though I just dont want to be in public places...

Thanks,
Jake

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 15 Apr 2005 Posts: 1010

hey jake!
glad to see that you are still doing well... well, doing it clean at least Wink

i saw the pics you posted earlier - you have great looking kids - how old are they? my 3 girls are 10, 7, and 5... yea, i said THREE girls!! LOL but i love them - kids are great, huh? they keep you young and strong (even though they tend to wear you out!) it really seems like yours have a great dad who is trying his best to be a good role model and bring them up with good morals. keep up the good work. reading your earlier posts, it looks like it is slowly getting easier for you - glad to hear that. the temptations should hopefully get less and less as well. it's too bad about your physical therapy - i really hope that your doctor can find a therapist that can work with your schedule, that has to be a better option for your pain than those pills. well, stay strong - i'm praying for you too!

Alley - i'm sorry to hear about your brother, i hope that he realizes soon that his life is not something to take for granted. God gave him it for a reason, and doing what he is doing to it is definitely not the purpose He had in mind. I know how hard it is when you want to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. my sister has been in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and i can' t count how many times she has called me crying to come get her, or help her move out, or asking for money... i help her every time, and every time she goes back with her girlfriend (lesbians). the last time she moved out, it was with a friend in another state, who had a job lined up for her and everything, but she gave that up to move back here with her girlfriend again. i told her i was not going to help her anymore, and not to call me. i feel bad doing that, because she is my sister, but she wants to keep abusing herself by putting herself back in that situation. i just can't keep helping her if she won't make the decision to stop it all. --Jake - that's why i am glad that you are posting here - at least you are trying. you know you are in a bad situation with the pills, and you are doing something about it. I hope that Alley, your brother, figures this out soon as well, before it is too late.
may God be with you all - stay strong.
- justin

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

I'm struggaling at work this week. I get so tempered right away or like fed up, I don't show it at work but defitnaly thinking about them alot lately, make the pain go away and to feel good with nothing bothering me. think it's my mental state knowing my first whole week back. I'm feeling normal as hell now, always in pain just etra moody. I kinda want to be drunk or buzzed everyday all day, just want to feel good with no worries and all I'm doing now is stressing alot and about nothing.

Was going to take the kids to the fair today but backed down just wasnt up for being in a crowded place. I'm so wanting them bad right now, it's not a physical craving except the pain but more mental.

I'm not suicidal but been thinking alot if I just wasn't around anymore, think of a car crash taking me out or something. I'm starting to hate these feelings and now understand why people are so easy to turn back and the only thing helping me is havng no access to them. I honestly think if I had some right now I'd take them just so I could feel good and not worry about things.

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 15 Apr 2005 Posts: 1010

i hope you are still making it through these days - and keep those horrible thoughts out of your head of suicide or wishing for an accident. what would your kids do without you?
i realize that you must still be in pain, but can you take something else - maybe just some advil or something? or is that not strong enough? well, i'm still praying for you and that you can make it through this without slipping back to where you were before - you have made a lot of progress!!
stay strong...
hope to hear back from you soon.
- justin

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

I hear ya, making it through though. Got sick now recently. THis sucks, when I was on I never hardley got sick and now my immune system is just all out of whack.

So Alley any news from your brother? You haven't talked much about him since the last frustration?

Looking like another long weekend ahead. I hope I get better, supposed to go to a concert Sunday so see how things come together.

Rank: Junior Member Joined: 13 Feb 2005 Posts: 125

Hi everyone. Still staying away but so sick now, I'm getting really antsy I guess you could say and like always have a cold. This is so tough, it was like the first week was so easy. People have noticed I've been alot more quiet kinda of just keeping to myself. Sometimes my mind just wonders off and wishes I was still married, it was nothing I did. Basically caught her messing around, I knew she was but I needed to catch in order to kick her out but I wish sometimes that never happened. It's been getting tougher watching the kids. I feel so bad sometimes for them because I'm just laying there all the time and want to take them out and do things and what not. But I've been good. I've came so close on asking the pharmacy to send for my refill since it's right by my work and like i said this is going to be the hardest week from here because I can just get my refills as needed now.

I'm just tired of being sick or feeling like I'm sick and my mind just keeps saying go get some, one pill will make you better. I've been hurting so bad and I think I'm a little depressed I haven't eaten or anything that much maybe something small once a day. Defitnally losing weight but also losing muscle to I've noticed but just hurting or can't get myself to the gym even though I want to go so bad.

Thanks everyone for you're support again and thanks alley for talking about this with all of us, you're the big reason I don't want to go back because of the support you've showed. I still hope you're reading this threrd. I've also came this far I don't want to mess it up. It was like my drinking, I've kinda stayed away from it for so long and or don't drink to get drunk anymore that I enjoy it and enjoy waking up without hangovers on the weekends.

I think if I never abused it and took like I was supposed to I would have been better off and I keep thinking just get them and take like I'm supposed to make them last like they're supposed to but I know it'll be to tempting to take more, get that high feeling for just one night but then it'll be the same the next night and before I know it I'm out again and going through what I have but then probably much worse so that's what keeps me away also.

Still trucking along though so just wanted to give an update to everyone since I had some time on the computer to post.

Rank: Super Veteran Joined: 15 Apr 2005 Posts: 1010

what's up jake
glad to see that you are still making it though these days - sounds like it hasn't got much easier for you, but good to hear that you are staying strong. like you said - you have come so far, it would be a shame for you to go get some more pills and slip back into that rut.
i hope that things start getting easier for you soon - it's too bad you can't get to the gym, i'm sure the exercise would help you to feel better, and help keep your mind off the pills.
it may be difficult right now dealing with your kids, but at least you are still there for them - think about what could happen if you had continued down the path you were on... you might have left them without their father...
have you gone to church at all? i know we all were talking about it earlier in the thread, but i haven't heard if you are going now or not... if no, i think you should try surrendering yourself to Him - He is the miracle worker, and He has better plans for you than those pills do!!
Take care, and stay healthy!!
- Justin